Wake Up

What is it about being in one's own bed that makes us feel that everything is fine and tends to get us relax more. Besides the obvious fact that it's sole purpose is for just that. When we are in our beds at night by strange noises we tend to just want to do nothing. Our first thought is usually to pinpoint the sound and then once this is accomplished we usually fall asleep immediately. Well I know no one wants to hear me ramble on about this crap so I will get to my story.
So the other night a friend of mine had come into town. We had a good time and I decided I had to call it a night. So apparently after we all go t back and everyone had gone to bed is when my sense of direction and awareness shut off temporarily. Later that night I was on my way to bed and as I'm crawling into the covers I hear a voice say " John what are you doing?" This stunned me and caused my brain to kick in. It turns out that this wasn't my bed but the bed of my roommate and his slumbering girlfriend. It had wandered in there after a pit stop at the bathroom and apparently closed my eyes and quietly walked. My roommate had heard the toilet flush but didn't see or hear me come in until I was over the bed about to crash land on his girlfriend.

*I later found out she took a knee to the stomach/chest area and withstood it. Major toughness points for that one. *

He didn't here me come in at all. After becoming aware of this situation I mumbled something about being in the wrong room and walked out. Besides the obviously funny moment that happened another point was later brought up by me and my roommate. That is what if I had been a killer or robber. The way my roommate reacted in realizing someone was in his room was very relaxed and almost indifferent. Remember it's not like he laid quietly and laughed at me walk into his room. he never heard me come in. Even as his eyes were adjusting to me across the bed from him he didn't even seem to care that much and just wondered what I was doing there. We both thought this would have been weird if I had actually broken into the house to kill him or his girlfriend. I learned something very valuable from this night. The fear of being murdered in your sleep will always lose power of a nice soft bed and a good sleep.

Old Men Just Don't Care

At what point to men stop caring about who will see them naked. What I am getting at is there must be an age where guys give up trying to cover their stuff in locker rooms or saunas. I'm thinking of a number between 38 and senior citizen.

* I wish the locker rooms I've been in were this nice and clean.

I have started going to the YMCA downtown to workout and swim. This had led me to bring clothes to change into. I know locker rooms are supposed to be places where guys can shower, change and basically relax. This does not give every pair of wrinkled balls to plop down wherever they feel like. This place is like a Turkish bath filled with scantily clad men walking around like everyone else there must be invisible. I actually wish they were the ones I couldn't see. To the left of me is a grossly overweight guy sitting in a chair at the entrance of the bathrooms. His gut is falling over his knees which actually helps to cover his meat and potatoes. He is wheezing and out of breath. My guess is from the walk he has taken from the steam room or as I like to call it bacteria central. Ahead of me in the locker are butt cheeks scattered all over the place. Around every corner I face the sight of wieners and guts. The locker room should be renamed Guts and Butts because that is all you see when your in there. One time I decided to be brave and get into the whirlpool before I left. I'm not in there five minutes before this butt naked old man (who else) strolls into the waters. Maybe it's me here but there is something not cool about another man getting into a 5' x 5' area filled with steam and bubbles with nothing but his deodorant on. Anyway I have realized that when I go to the Y now I will have to deal with balls. And not the kind you shoot with.

More Coffee Sir?

Link between caffeinated elixir and basic politeness (not) found.

The power of coffee cannot be denied.  It's effectiveness has providing a boost of energy and momentary concentration has been seen over and over again.  This magical concoction of cocoa beans and water seems to make the impossible possible.  It's the working mans steroids.  Add cream and sugar and it's like someone took a rainbow and poured it into your cup or mug.  You know what's weird though and what most people never have been able to pinpoint is that for all of coffees abilities at energizing people it also seems to be drunk by mainly dickheads.  Why is that?

I like coffee.  I didn't used to drink it and now I do it almost daily.  Am I a dickhead?  No answers from the peanut gallery please. I'd like to think that I have avoided that effect coffee brings to people.  I mean were these people always crappy to others?  Did they always feel they need to be jerky?  When I speak of these people I simply mean the ones who say things like, "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee." or "I cannot function today without some coffee."  Hey how about "you can't function with others with coffee, you piece of crap."  Here's another thing I 'd love to to tell people to love the coffee.  "Hey buddy, don't talk to me after you've had your coffee, in fact just please don't talk to me.  You're an asshole."  

Coffee Jerks

Look I'm sorry but there should be a warning that comes with coffee or people who drink coffee.  

*Warning if you are currently drinking this bitter beverage or about to start drinking it you could end up losing friends and coolness points.  Also your breath will smell like pure ass.  Good luck.*

Look I understand if you need a pick-me-up.  We all do sometimes.  Just please don't let your pick me up turn into a knock-me-down.

Boots ( Go F yourself)

What is the fucking deal with poorly run companies.  In the world of bad business the airline business has to be at the top. The one I work for right now has decided to provide us with proper footwear.  Steel toed boots to be exact.  Whoopee.  I've always wanted a pair of huge clunky boots to walk around in. Yeah I guess all the anvils and Olympic sized  weight lifting plates I load and unload every day will now be unable to crack the surface of my new and improved boot.  Don't get me wrong though I love safe toes as much as the next guy but it's the way you are getting these boots that bothers me.  I forgot to mention the brilliant scheme this company has whipped up.  Instead of having money for uniforms and safety equipment set aside for their employees they decided to give each person a 100 dollar certificate they can use to redeem the boots.  Okay you say,  that's nice of them.  But here is where they become a shitty company in my opinion.  If for some reason you leave (you hate your job,  poor pay, poor management)< which are all found here, you have to pay for the shoes.  Well thanks guys for sticking it to your under payed employees once again.  What a couple of dicks.  Yea !!!! Free boots.  Go fuck yourself.

(Real) Mens League

Well I am off to basketball again tonight. I recently got together with a few friends and strangers and put together a team, our team name is Montgomery, to compete in the Homewood Basketball League.  I say compete but in our first game we basically got our ass handed to us.  The sad part was it was against four guys.  Your probably asking yourself how do four beat five.  (Seven if you count two subs)  I've done the math.  5 > 4, 5/4= 1.25.  Of course fours can also be better than five.  The Beatles (George, Ringo, Paul and John) compass directions (N,S,E,W), wheels on a car and even beers* are all examples of where four elements have brought joy to others.  I'm getting off track though.  We lost 69-42 in our first outing.  Pretty bad I know.  The first half we scored just 10 points.  They scored 43.  Enough said.

  This will be our redemption game hopefully.  We are playing a team called G-Unit.  Let's just hope they keep their units to themselves.  Apparently units A through F were all playing somewhere else tonight.  I saw this team play last week.  It could be worse for us this week.  These guys play for keeps. 

*Applies only to Andy Head

Later on I'll be back with another update of how things went.

Update-  

Sorry it's a little late.  I will be short and sweet.  Halftime scre 23-19.  We're down by four.  Final somewhere around the range of 30 points.  We were not the team with the 30 point win.  They had their version of the twin towers on this team.  Really big and fat towers.  Our tallest player is 6' 3" maybe.  So better luck to us next week.

BCS...More like BC...S.H.I.T.

Choose or Lose (MTV Style)
That's all folks.  The regular season of college football is over.  It's time to put away you toys and go back inside.  What's left is a log jam of teams vying for a shot at the National Championship.  This season has produced some crazy games and big upsets.  Luckily for everyone that likes upsets and mass confusion the teams that played this weekend saved the best for last.  With Oklahoma knocking off Missouri and West Virginia falling to Pittsburgh college teams from the Big 12 to the WAC are pulling out their soap boxes and preparing their speeches in hopes of lobbying their team into the Big Game.  Sorry Hawaii, but nobody really knows/cares enough about you to really give you a shot.  Thanks for playing though.

With  numero uno (Missouri) and number two (West Virginia) in the BCS standings losing all hell has broken loose.  Now teams like Oklahoma, Ohio State, Virginia Tech, LSU, Georgia, Kansas and possibly USC all have an outside shot at reaching the national championship game.  This is where the BSC could take a major hit.  Which, in my opinion wouldn't be all that bad.  You have a team like Ohio State, which have been done playing competitive football for several weeks.  They finished their season back on November 17th.  All they have been doing is sitting around the house eating oatmeal creme pies and relaxing.  They have let the other teams do the yard work and now they may possibly be getting paid for it.

  Miles has a game to coach Dammit

Oklahoma, Virginia Tech, and LSU have all won their conference championship game.  Each also has two losses apiece.  Oklahoma could sit here and tell everyone they had to beat the number one team in the nation by 21 to get where they are so why not them.  LSU will counter with how they came out on top in arguably one of the nations toughest conferences with a pair of losses in triple overtime games.  Virginia Tech's only losses were to LSU which is no push over and Boston College who was number two in the nation at the time.  We now see what Tech did to Boston College with another chance.

Finally Georgia and Kansas, who are fourth and fifth is the standings could possibly jump those three teams without even winning their own division in their conferences.  What is a voter to do.  Do you A) take the teams based on their rankings in the polls or B) choose a conference champion who had to win an extra game just to have a chance to go.  Which champion do you even pick. And what about a team that plays no championship game at all but still manages to stay ahead of the pack.  We are now left to wait and see what peoples opinions will be to decide who goes.  Let me remind you these opinions are coming from ordinary people not geniuses or rocket scientist but overweight, balding and possibly no sports involvement, outside of fantasy sports, in their lives.  Well good luck with all that. Maybe a crazy season like the one this year needed to happen to shake up a process that makes no sense at all.  Good luck picking the next two teams to play for all the gold bench warmers.

This man could possibly be the deciding factor in voting.  Seems to be getting paid well for all his hard work.